All around me is darkness, I have no idea where I should be going, yet I can't stop walking.
Walking, walking, always walking yet never being able to see where this path is leading.
I just keep walking in the darkness and the fog. No light to see the path yet on and on I go.
Darkness is all around me and I cannot see anything yet something is drawing me on, on, ever onward.
What is this that draws me ever on? What is the sense of light though all is darkness? Where is this peace coming from when all is chaos?
Even in the midst of darkness, wondering and fear there is light, clarity and peace.
Where does it come from? It can only come from God. He is the source of all light and peace, peace that truly passes all understanding.
He alone is my light and my peace. He alone will show me the way. He alone is leading me on, on, ever onward.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
New years quotes
I went to Mass on New Years eve at a church I had never been in before. There was a painting of Mother Theresa above which it said "Find your own Calcutta." Next to her was a painting of Solanus Casey above which it said "Let's see what the good God wills."
These two quotes really stuck out to me because I've been having a really hard time staying out of the future. I would really like to know where my life is going and it scares me a little bit, okay it scares me a lot, that I have no idea where I'm going. I was really upset about everything that had been happening when I walked into Mass. Seeing those two quotes really helped me to realize that A) I don't need to be in the convent in order to be evangelizing and B) It's okay that I don't know what His will for my future is, I just need to wait for Him to show it to me.
It's still kind of hard but I've decided that I need to take a break and so am not going to be posting on either of the vocations forums I've been a part of and have also decided to stop posting on the vocations blog for a while. I have no idea how long this is going to last or even if I'll be able to do it at all but I really feel like I need to try it because I think it will help a lot. Please say a prayer that I will be able to find the courage to actually do this.
JMJ+
~Betsy
Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills.
These two quotes really stuck out to me because I've been having a really hard time staying out of the future. I would really like to know where my life is going and it scares me a little bit, okay it scares me a lot, that I have no idea where I'm going. I was really upset about everything that had been happening when I walked into Mass. Seeing those two quotes really helped me to realize that A) I don't need to be in the convent in order to be evangelizing and B) It's okay that I don't know what His will for my future is, I just need to wait for Him to show it to me.
It's still kind of hard but I've decided that I need to take a break and so am not going to be posting on either of the vocations forums I've been a part of and have also decided to stop posting on the vocations blog for a while. I have no idea how long this is going to last or even if I'll be able to do it at all but I really feel like I need to try it because I think it will help a lot. Please say a prayer that I will be able to find the courage to actually do this.
JMJ+
~Betsy
Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Beauty from Pain
The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive but i feel like I've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away
After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames
After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
Here I am, at the end of me
Trying to hold to what i can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn
After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
JMJ+
~Betsy
Totus tuus Maria! Thank God ahead of time.
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive but i feel like I've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away
After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames
After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
Here I am, at the end of me
Trying to hold to what i can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn
After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
JMJ+
~Betsy
Totus tuus Maria! Thank God ahead of time.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Retreat and Where I'm At Now.
Two weekends ago I had my discernment retreat with the Dominican Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist.
Going on retreat I had a plan, I knew exactly what was going to happen. I was going to go into my spiritual direction with Sister Joseph and I knew exactly what she was going to say and I knew what I was going to say and I was going to come home from retreat with my application papers. But that's not what happened at all. Sister and I talked for a while she asked me about my family, what are they all doing, where did they go to school, where do you go to school and what brought you here. After I told her she looked me right in the eye and said "this life is really difficult and you aren't ready for it. You really need to go to college for a year and get away from your family because you aren't ready." At that moment my heart knew that she was right but my emotions so didn't accept it at all. At the beginning of retreat we had each gotten a litany title and we were told to pray about it during our Holy hour and find out why we got the one we did. My litany title was Mary Morning Star pray for us. Also in the morning Sister Joseph had said to us "You have to be stubborn in Adoration. Go in there and say 'I'm not leaving until I get the answers to my questions' then tell Him your questions then stop talking!" so when I went into Adoration, balling my eyes out angry and frustrated at God, I said "Okay, you heard Sister, I'm not leaving until you tell me 1) what good could possibly come from me waiting, 2) why is this happening to me again (referring to the fact that one of my really good friends got her application papers and, being the youngest of seven, I've spent a lot of my life watching others do stuff that I really want to but can't) and 3) why does it feel so right and why do I feel so ready if I'm clearly not?" After a while in response to the first one He said to me "Betsy, you will convert, bring to a deeper relationship with me and led to their true vocation more people in the world then you EVER could as a postulant. Being a postulant is about personal growing which is very important but I have so many people who need you to help them grow before you can grow yourself." How can I argue with that one? In response to the second question He said "the reason it's happened so much in your life is so you can deal with this one." Which really does answer the question but I still wanted to argue so I said "But that doesn't tell me why this one is happening!!" I didn't hear anything else after that. He just totally stopped talking to me. After a little while of nothing I said "okay I'm really ticked at you so I'm going to talk to Mary" I went and sat in front of the icon of Our Lady of Guadalupe and was praying the the Akathist hymn to Mary and after I had chanted the whole thing I was going back and reading them through again to see if she spoke to me and after I read the 5th chant I heard her clear as day say to me "My daughter let me be your star of Bethlehem. You must let me guide you to my son and I promise you that you will get here at some point but He has so much more planned for you first." At that moment I was flooded with an incredible peace and I felt Marys arms totally surrounding me! Then I went to bed because it was five in the morning.
On Sunday during morning prayer I started crying again because it just felt so right and it was so beautiful and the sisters sing divinely! I cried out to God with everything in me "Lord I am ready to do what you will but please give me joy back, I don't want to be miserable for the next two years because I'm doing your will. Just PLEASE give me joy back" I calmed down after a bit and when we were praying the Rosary I pulled mine out and it was broken. I was like "Oh that's kind of weird but whatever" and started trying to fix it and He said "No, you can't. You have to let me put things back together." Instantly two things came to my mind. A few years ago at a youth group meeting they had given us glow sticks to remind us that we need to be broken before we can be a light. I had the chance to spend the month of April in Austria and while I was there I found out that a very good friend of a lot of my good friends had been killed in a car crash. I was very hurt and angry at God for letting me be gone when my friends needed me and I was in the Adoration chapel and pulled out a different Rosary and it was broken in almost the same place. We went to Mass at the motherhouse and again I started crying because they let us sit in the choir stalls and I was sitting right behind Sister Mary Dominic and it just felt right. Father James started his homily with "Before I entered the Dominicans I had a plan of how it was going to go." Right away I was like "Oh boy, I better listen!" He went on to say "I was finishing up college and knew that this is what He wanted me to do. It was going to be a huge triumphant entry. It was going to be amazing! But my parents were really pushing for grad school so I decided to go for one maybe two years but I would have the blinders on all the time because I knew this was what He wanted of me and I was sure that I was never going to get distracted from it. But...then along came the girl and out went the triumphant entry!" He then went on to talk about how amazing this women was and how she had all these Dominican traits about her. Then he said "So when I finally did enter a few years later it wasn't some huge triumphant entry it was 'okay I have no idea why I'm here or if this is even what you want of me but okay I'm going to take a leap of faith and start walking on the water.
Going on retreat I had a plan, I knew exactly what was going to happen. I was going to go into my spiritual direction with Sister Joseph and I knew exactly what she was going to say and I knew what I was going to say and I was going to come home from retreat with my application papers. But that's not what happened at all. Sister and I talked for a while she asked me about my family, what are they all doing, where did they go to school, where do you go to school and what brought you here. After I told her she looked me right in the eye and said "this life is really difficult and you aren't ready for it. You really need to go to college for a year and get away from your family because you aren't ready." At that moment my heart knew that she was right but my emotions so didn't accept it at all. At the beginning of retreat we had each gotten a litany title and we were told to pray about it during our Holy hour and find out why we got the one we did. My litany title was Mary Morning Star pray for us. Also in the morning Sister Joseph had said to us "You have to be stubborn in Adoration. Go in there and say 'I'm not leaving until I get the answers to my questions' then tell Him your questions then stop talking!" so when I went into Adoration, balling my eyes out angry and frustrated at God, I said "Okay, you heard Sister, I'm not leaving until you tell me 1) what good could possibly come from me waiting, 2) why is this happening to me again (referring to the fact that one of my really good friends got her application papers and, being the youngest of seven, I've spent a lot of my life watching others do stuff that I really want to but can't) and 3) why does it feel so right and why do I feel so ready if I'm clearly not?" After a while in response to the first one He said to me "Betsy, you will convert, bring to a deeper relationship with me and led to their true vocation more people in the world then you EVER could as a postulant. Being a postulant is about personal growing which is very important but I have so many people who need you to help them grow before you can grow yourself." How can I argue with that one? In response to the second question He said "the reason it's happened so much in your life is so you can deal with this one." Which really does answer the question but I still wanted to argue so I said "But that doesn't tell me why this one is happening!!" I didn't hear anything else after that. He just totally stopped talking to me. After a little while of nothing I said "okay I'm really ticked at you so I'm going to talk to Mary" I went and sat in front of the icon of Our Lady of Guadalupe and was praying the the Akathist hymn to Mary and after I had chanted the whole thing I was going back and reading them through again to see if she spoke to me and after I read the 5th chant I heard her clear as day say to me "My daughter let me be your star of Bethlehem. You must let me guide you to my son and I promise you that you will get here at some point but He has so much more planned for you first." At that moment I was flooded with an incredible peace and I felt Marys arms totally surrounding me! Then I went to bed because it was five in the morning.
On Sunday during morning prayer I started crying again because it just felt so right and it was so beautiful and the sisters sing divinely! I cried out to God with everything in me "Lord I am ready to do what you will but please give me joy back, I don't want to be miserable for the next two years because I'm doing your will. Just PLEASE give me joy back" I calmed down after a bit and when we were praying the Rosary I pulled mine out and it was broken. I was like "Oh that's kind of weird but whatever" and started trying to fix it and He said "No, you can't. You have to let me put things back together." Instantly two things came to my mind. A few years ago at a youth group meeting they had given us glow sticks to remind us that we need to be broken before we can be a light. I had the chance to spend the month of April in Austria and while I was there I found out that a very good friend of a lot of my good friends had been killed in a car crash. I was very hurt and angry at God for letting me be gone when my friends needed me and I was in the Adoration chapel and pulled out a different Rosary and it was broken in almost the same place. We went to Mass at the motherhouse and again I started crying because they let us sit in the choir stalls and I was sitting right behind Sister Mary Dominic and it just felt right. Father James started his homily with "Before I entered the Dominicans I had a plan of how it was going to go." Right away I was like "Oh boy, I better listen!" He went on to say "I was finishing up college and knew that this is what He wanted me to do. It was going to be a huge triumphant entry. It was going to be amazing! But my parents were really pushing for grad school so I decided to go for one maybe two years but I would have the blinders on all the time because I knew this was what He wanted of me and I was sure that I was never going to get distracted from it. But...then along came the girl and out went the triumphant entry!" He then went on to talk about how amazing this women was and how she had all these Dominican traits about her. Then he said "So when I finally did enter a few years later it wasn't some huge triumphant entry it was 'okay I have no idea why I'm here or if this is even what you want of me but okay I'm going to take a leap of faith and start walking on the water.
This really helped me because then I knew why I'm waiting, I have to be broken and I have to learn that it's all about Him. I walked out of Mass with the BIGGEST smile on my face and it still hasn't gone away. It's been really hard for me coming home. I've been really homesick for my sisters because I know that's where I belong and it really is home. I've also been noticing Satan a lot more openly active in my life. But I don't have to worry because Jesus won the victory a long time ago when I died on the cross for me. NO WORRIES! I am in the process of filling out my NET application and am taking the SAT in December so I'll be applying to colleges as well. We'll see where He leads me. JMJ+ ~Betsy Totus tuus Maria P.S. Sorry it looks so weird, I copied and pasted it. |
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Thirst
Thirst
I am thirsting for your love, why do you run away?
Do you not know that my love for you is perfect and everything you need?
When I formed you in the womb this is what I made you for, yet you continue to run because you are afraid.
I am thirsting for your love, why do you run?
It will be hard and there are many difficult things but my love is more powerful and yet more gentle then anything in the world.
I am thirsting for your love, why do you continue to run?
Do you not understand how much I love you, do you not see everything I am aching to give you? I wish to give you every good thing in the world.
Do you not see that I am thirsting for you, why do you still run?
I know you are afraid and yes you don't know what the future will bring, but there is no need to worry.
If you could only see how much I am thirsting for you, you would stop running.
Lord it's true I don't know where you will lead me but I'm not happy running and I want to trust you.
The truth is I am thirsting for your love and I don't want to run any more.
I can see now that you are the only thing that will make me happy, nothing else can fill me the way you do.
I am thirsting for your love and I'm not going to run any more.
I know that your love is perfect and there is no need to fear. You are the only thing that can satisfy my heart.
I am thirsting for your love and am running right into your arms!
Do you not know that my love for you is perfect and everything you need?
When I formed you in the womb this is what I made you for, yet you continue to run because you are afraid.
I am thirsting for your love, why do you run?
It will be hard and there are many difficult things but my love is more powerful and yet more gentle then anything in the world.
I am thirsting for your love, why do you continue to run?
Do you not understand how much I love you, do you not see everything I am aching to give you? I wish to give you every good thing in the world.
Do you not see that I am thirsting for you, why do you still run?
I know you are afraid and yes you don't know what the future will bring, but there is no need to worry.
If you could only see how much I am thirsting for you, you would stop running.
Lord it's true I don't know where you will lead me but I'm not happy running and I want to trust you.
The truth is I am thirsting for your love and I don't want to run any more.
I can see now that you are the only thing that will make me happy, nothing else can fill me the way you do.
I am thirsting for your love and I'm not going to run any more.
I know that your love is perfect and there is no need to fear. You are the only thing that can satisfy my heart.
I am thirsting for your love and am running right into your arms!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
What I'm Thinking About Right Now.
So retreat is in 11 days. I'm so ready for it I really can't wait! Life has been kind of crazy lately and it's starting to get me down. I'm just so ready for a break from it all. Yet at the same time I'm almost dreading it because it means I have to actually articulate what's in my heart to someone I've never met before and I'm really not good at that. It's so much easier for me to type or write what's on my heart then for me to actually say it face to face to someone. I guess the reason I'm posting this is just to get it out. I've been holding this in for way to long. Please keep me in your prayers.
JMJ+
~Betsy
Totus tuus Maria!
JMJ+
~Betsy
Totus tuus Maria!
Friday, October 9, 2009
New Blog
I am now a part of the Holy Vocations blog and so will not be posting here much any more.
JMJ+
~Betsy
Totus tuus Maria!
JMJ+
~Betsy
Totus tuus Maria!
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